Visitors do not hold back from one-star reviews of top swimming pools and water parks in the San Antonio area

Temperatures are starting to rise in San Antonio. Maybe it’s time to take off your swimsuit and cool off in the water.

But before you do that, check out these one-star reviews for some of the most popular South Texas water parks, swimming pools and irrigation cisterns.

You may also like: Online reviews are ridiculously bad for San Antonio’s top attractions

One TripAdvisor reviewer complained that the Kumel River was too crowded, “like a diabetic artery.” Another on Google said they “would rather take my family to Iraq or Kosovo” than revisit Shilterban, the water park located in New Brownfields.

The one-star reviews on Google, Yelp and TripAdvisor have been conducted throughout but not grammatically to preserve their authenticity.

Walhalla Wave is an Aquatica ride at SeaWorld San Antonio that spins you, throws you down a 50-degree descent and then slides you up a wall.

Helen Anders / American-statesman

Aquatica at SeaWorld San Antonio: “We had two hours to experience the whole park. We went into the water and it was frozen. We left an hour later. When you go to buy ‘$ 35’ tickets for 2 people, after commissions it’s like $ 125 … you do the math. $ 125 for 5 hours of Torture.

Blue Hole Regional Park: “The blue hole is just a small blue pool in the creek.”

Lake Born: “I saw this lady take her child into the water, he came in, she looked for a minute and then asked him if he was cumming. I mean done (the urine) in the lake.”

People are on display at Bourne City Lake Park on Wednesday, June 17, 2020.

People are on display at Bourne City Lake Park on Wednesday, June 17, 2020.

William Luther / Staff

Comel River: “The river was as dense as a diabetic artery.”

“The rescuers are not there to save your life, they are there to steal your belongings coming out of your pipe.”

Guadeloupe River: “My daughter and her boyfriend went with snacks and water and the police took it from them so I will go there more.”

Lifeguards Gary Wintorp and Ben Hanson watch the crowds gather on the Kumel River in New Brownfields on Sunday for the final big weekend of the tubing season.

Lifeguards Gary Wintorp and Ben Hanson watch the crowds gather on the Kumel River in New Brownfields on Sunday for the final big weekend of the tubing season.

Robin Irstad /

Hamilton Pool: The Hamilton Pool is closed to swimmers. But that did not stop some people from going out for a dip.

“A visit here hardly wins sitting in a closet and looking at an empty wall. Seriously, this place is popular only because of skilled marketing.”

“This place is deserted! Just like President Hamilton, this place is dead!”

Alexander Hamilton was never president of the United States, but was one of the founding fathers of the state and served as the first U.S. Treasury Secretary. He died famously in a gun duel with Aaron Burr, who served as vice president at the time.

Art Larsson, left, and Courtney Croquet are sitting at the edge of the natural area of ​​Jacob's Beer in Hayes County, Wimberley, Texas, on Wednesday, April 30, 2014.

Art Larsson, left, and Courtney Croquet are sitting at the edge of the natural area of ​​Jacob’s Beer in Hayes County, Wimberley, Texas, on Wednesday, April 30, 2014.

Rodolfo Gonzalez / AP

Beer Yaakov Natural Area: “All you can do is wait to jump into the ‘well’.”

“Their rules are stupid.”

Crows Springs: “I think ‘Krause’ means ‘river of urine’ in German. The water is stormy, the rocks are dangerously slippery, the landscape is 3 stars. The rope swing is 2 stars. If you do not sit at the top then you are sitting in a funnel of murky urine.

McKinney Falls National Park: “It’s okay, if you do not mind firing all day and noisy bass all day. Unless you stay in your camper all day (even then you can hear it) … you will be miserable outside.”

People are swimming Tuesday, July 3, 2018, at the San Pedro Springs Park Pool.

People are swimming Tuesday, July 3, 2018, at the San Pedro Springs Park Pool.

William Luther / San Antonio Express News

San Pedro Springs Park: “The spring was green with runny nose”

“This is not a swimming pool at all, just a duck pool.”

Shliterban New Brownfalls: “I’d rather take my family to Iraq or Kosovo than to this park … and I’ve been to those two places.”

Rio Vista Park: “If you like junk everywhere, tons of people, the smell of grass and swimming with alcohol, this is the place for you. I prefer a much quieter and cleaner scene. San Marcos is just not the place I call fun.”

timothy.fanning@express-news.net

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